Every once in a while, I quite like watching a crappy monster movie… not even something so-bad-it’s-funny… just something distinctly average.
Today’s offering is Killer Mermaids, which I found on Netflix while searching to see if Alien was on there (actually, I was searching for Alien vs Predator… don’t judge me). Anyway, I decided it was worth a go because who doesn’t want to see Ariel snap and kill a bunch of people? I mean, she’s already collecting trophies from drowned sailors… it’s only a few short steps to her drowning those sailors herself.
So, without any more preamble (pre-ramble?), let’s get started…
0:00 One of the studio logos is for a catering company… I wonder if they literally just catered the shoot.
0:01 Starts off with a Moby Dick quote… I haven’t read it, but I’m pretty sure Moby Dick was about a whale, not mermaids.
0:03 Over the credits there are some videos, shot by two of the characters on their phones. I guess this is supposed to make us like them… they’re shooting in landscape, so I kind of do.
0:04 Mermaid song sounds an awful lot like whale song. Is this a massive twist? Is it called Killer Mermaids, but it’s actually about a killer whale?
0:06 The two decoy protagonists are dead already. Man lured into the water by whale song and killed, presumably by whale; woman killed by unknown assailant with legs… probably not a mermaid.
0:09 I hope these two aren’t the main protagonists… they seem super annoying.
0:10 “I’m sorry, my English is not too good.” “Oh no, you speak American just fine.” Better than you apparently… she know the name of the language, for a start.
0:11 One of the women is afraid of water… she’s either going to die first or survive the film.
0:13 They’ve just noticed a creepy old guy, who I’m pretty sure is “legs” from the opening scene. One of the characters just referred to him as “Moby Dick”. Moby Dick was the whale, right? I really feel like I’m missing something about that book.
0:16 All this incredibly awkward dialogue is supposed to make us hate the characters, yes? So we don’t care if they get eaten?
0:19 This woman’s jacket has the most spiked studs I’ve ever seen in one place. She just needs to hug the mermaid and they can end the film early.
0:20 Scare chord and an aerial shot… killer seagulls?
0:21 Another guy killed by Legs… this film is distinctly mis-named so far.
0:23 Ok, so there’s an abandoned prison, but they can’t get there with the boat they’re in. No explanation… is the boat too big, too small? It’s a fairly standard speedboat, so I can’t imagine how it would be unable to access an island that received prisoners on a semi-regular basis.
0:25 A rugged looking man has appeared, but has ruined the effect by introducing himself as Bob. (Sorry, Bob!)
0:25 He has a harpoon gun that fires little tridents… is that even a thing?
0:25 On closer inspection, it has five prongs… a pentadent?
0:29 Ok, if a creepy old man warns me not to go to a dangerous island that doesn’t appear on Google maps (no, really), I’m probably going to stay away. Even if I’m 99% sure he’s talking nonsense, 1% chance of horrible death seems high to me.
0:32 Legitimate shock twist. Creepy Old Guy isn’t Legs – he’s looking for his daughter, who was the woman that got killed at the start. I bet Bob is Legs.
0:33 Ok, the only way to get to the prison is in a small boat with an extremely shallow draft… must have made building it a pain.
0:36 And then they admired an interesting historical site and all went home.
0:40 Having witnessed the disposal of several dismembered body parts, one person wants to leave immediately, while the others decide to play CSI: Alcatraz. In a just world, the sensible one would live, but I’m pretty sure she’ll be first for the chop instead.
0:42 Lots of running, chased by presumably-Legs, who now has a shotgun, but apparently has no idea how to use it. They’re running in a tight-ish cluster… he should have hit one of them by now, just by sheer luck.
0:46 And they’ve split the party… obviously no D&D players amongst them.
0:47 So far, this prison is a lot of corridors and no cells. 0/10. Would not incarcerate again.
0:50 Over halfway through the film and we finally have the killer mermaids… though technically it’s mermaid, singular… and she’s not actually killed anyone yet.
0:52 Ok, so the mermaid can appear as an attractive(ish) woman, in order to lure prey. Does this mean that the mermaid is a fairly recently evolved creature? Or could ancient mermaids appear as attractive chimps?
0:55 It’s been bugging me for a while and I’ve just figured it out… the mermaid’s leitmotif is the Mockingjay call from Hunger Games, missing the last note, presumably to avoid any lawsuits.
0:57 “It’s all my fault.” “It’s not your fault.” It’s definitely his fault.
1:02 What is it with buxom mermaids? I’d have thought the last thing that a water-based creature would want is two flotation devices attached to its chest.
1:04 I’m super confused. Legs is clearly killing people to feed the mermaid, but just as Bob is about to pretty much walk into the mermaid’s open arms, Legs intervenes and tries to kill steal. What, is he going to kill Bob then hand him back to the mermaid and say, “Here you go… nice and fresh for you.”?
1:05 They’ve killed Legs, the mermaid doesn’t exactly look nimble out of the water… how is there 25 minutes left of this film?
1:07 Still just one mermaid, incidentally… I’m already composing a strongly worded letter to the producers.
1:07 “No luck defeating them mermaids then?” “It’s just the one mermaid actually.”
1:09 Legs isn’t dead after all… he’s actually looking pretty good for a guy who took an axe to the back.
1:10 Of course, Bob is also looking pretty good for a guy who put a tourniquet on hours ago and whose leg, by all logic, should have dropped off by now.
1:11 Creepy Old Guy comes out of nowhere and saves Bob and Scared-of-Water. No explanation of why he was hanging around at the end of a secret underground tunnel in the middle of nowhere.
1:15 They’re sitting in a boat – a flimsy little rowing boat – listening to Creepy Old Guy giving backstory… at this point, if they die then it’s entirely on them.
1:17 Now they’re about 15 feet from shore, they know the mermaid is about and he’s stopped rowing again.
1:17 Now he can’t row, because he thought throwing the oar at her was a good plan.
1:18 Scared-of-Water is swimming to shore, pulling the boat behind her on a rope, like some sort of weird “World’s Strongest Woman” contest. Creepy Old Guy is in the boat, shouting, “Swim fast!” What a dick.
1:19 It turns out that the mermaid’s secret weakness is nets. Makes sense… I mean, it’s not like she has intelligence, sharp teeth and opposable thumbs to help her get free.
1:23 How on earth did Legs beat them back to the mainland? They left him locked in a tunnel, with an axe in his back and no boat.
1:24 Awwww… Legs was in love with her and is sad that she’s dead. Now I feel kind of bad.
1:25 Amazing! I take it all back. Mermaids, plural… and coming for vengeance!
1:26 “I’m not ready to die,” says Scared-of-Water. You’re on land and they have no legs… I think you’ll be ok.
1:26 Creepy Old Guy decides if he’s going down fighting, he’s at least going to kill Legs first. Brilliant.
1:26 Aaaaaaand… roll credits. Despite my mockery, it wasn’t a terrible film; it was pretty standard fare for a low budget creature feature. The mermaid looked like she was done largely with prosthetics, so there was no overly offensive CGI. The score was well done and there were some great exterior shots of the prison. Not worth watching, unless you’re a fan of the genre, but if you are then you could do worse.