Why I will never write a children’s book

I make no apologies that the following will only make sense to those intimately familiar with Julia Donaldson’s writing.
We have a number of Donaldson’s books in my house that are firm favourites with my son. This is fair enough as they are quite good books for the most part, but it does mean that our bedtime story choices can become a little repetitive. Given that I can recite a number of the books by heart, there is plenty of time for my mind to wander and I have imagined a number of alternate routes that the books could go in. I present a few of them here…

Snail and the Whale – Due to an accidental pluralisation on the snail’s part, Greenpeace receives letters from a classful of children and the whale dies on a beach.

Squash and a Squeeze – The animals realise that they outnumber the old lady and refuse to be ejected at the end. The wise old man makes a swift exit at this point.

The Gruffalo – The Fox realises that, irrespective of any dinner plans the mouse may have in the near future, the Gruffalo isn’t there at that moment in time. It’s a very short story.

The Gruffalo’s Child – The Gruffalo’s child is kidnapped. Luckily, he has a particular set of skills that make him a nightmare for people like Mouse. He look’s for him, finds him and kills him… all in rhyming couplets.

Smartest Giant in Town – George fails to get a job, having given away most of his clothes on the way to the interview… he is not, it would seem, the smartest giant in town.

Zog – Having dropped out of school, Zog isn’t sufficiently qualified to work for the NHS. He is replaced as soon as the Princess and Sir Gadabout can afford a second horse.

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