Christmas Newsletter 2014

I have been wracking my brain for Christmas message ideas this year and not having any luck. Fortunately, I received an unexpected visit from an alternate reality version of myself a few days ago. I’m not entirely sure what he was doing here (he mumbled something cryptic about hacking Sony), but while he was in the bathroom, I “borrowed” his laptop and downloaded his Christmas message for 2014… how different could it be?


Well, 2014 has been a strange year, what with the moon colony hosting the world cup and George R R Martin ironically being killed at a wedding.

My new job is going well – I’ve been there a year now. It’s actually quite nice working for a smaller company, though the morning fight for parking spaces is proving brutal… I’ve already been through seven cars, three bikes and a tank.
Dawn has returned to work this year in a new job. She briefly did care in the community, but decided that the mean streets of Macclesfield weren’t safe enough, so is now working in a care home, where the only dangers are from occasional rogue badgers breaking in to steal the medications.

Something that no one would have expected is that my Twitter account, @DocChimpenstein, would cease to be simply the fictional adventures of a simian scientist, but would instead gain consciousness and take over the internet. Still, as world dictators go, he’s a pretty benevolent one and doesn’t put up with any of Russell Brand’s crap.

Isaac has continued to grow in both stature and brains. He received an invitation to join the Institute for Massive Children who are too Clever for Their Own Good, but we refused to let him join an organisation without a good acronym. (We are considering letting him try out at the Society To Advance Really Wonderful And Remarkable Sprogs.)

Our extension is all but complete. Building regs refused to sign off on the underground reactor, but let me keep the anti-zombie measures. The inspector said that it was “a credit to zombie defense plans” and that he “wished more people were as well prepared”.

On a final note, I know that the whole world is still in shock about the events following the release of The Interview. Had anyone known that it would be so wildly successful that Seth Rogen would get his choice of projects and would choose to remake the Shawshank Redemption as a modern comedy, I’m sure the whole thing would have been shut down before it ever saw a cinema. You’ll be glad to know that Doctor Chimpenstein and I have been working on a solution… wish us luck.

Merry Christmas and have a wonderful 2015.


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