Predictions for 2014

It has become a bit of a tradition at this time of year, for me to make a few predicitions about the next twelve months. Admittedly, none of them have come true so far, but I’m bound to fluke one eventually.

January – Stephen Hawking admits on Oprah that his career has been one big lie. (His voice computer is actually a sentient AI.)

February – Iceland is embroiled in scandal again, when its milk tests positive for horse milk.

March – Pope Francis steps down; Derren Brown is mysteriously elected as his successor.

April – David Cameron dies. No one even notices, as they’re too busy celebrating the anniversary of Thatcher’s death.

May – Disney admits that they’ve just been trolling nerds and that there are no new Star Wars films.

June – A KFC employee leaks their secret recipe and has to seek asylum in Russia.

July – William and Kate have a second baby and call it Peppa.

August – Miley Cyrus finally listens to concerned parenting groups and puts some clothes on; concerned teenaged boy groups start complaining instead.

September – Grand Theft Auto VI is released and is so realistic that some missions actually require you to take your X-Box out for a drive.

October – Concerns over the false widow spider are soon forgotten after the first sighting of a false widow velociraptor in Milton keynes.

November – Mustaches become so popular that instead of growing a mustache for Movember, men are encouraged to shave them off for the unimaginatively named, NOvember.

December – The third hobbit film ends with Gloin relating the tale to his son, Gimli, who vows vengeance against “that stupid Legolas”.

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